Gravedigger by Dave Matthews.

and no, i am not depressed it's just a good song with good lyrics. 'cuz i want to feel the rain

70 pages into Dostoevsky's Brothers Karamazov.

the reason i began to read it in the first place is because my pastor kept bugging me about not reading "famous Russian classics" and that i am not reading anything in Russian, just English...

my initial reaction to Dostoevsky was that of dislike. i had to read Crime and Punishment in school, but all i really know about that book is that it was extremely boring (at least the way my teacher described it - and i wasn't encouraged at all to read it myself), full of deep page-long phrases that could rival Paul's in the New Testament, and that the book was about a guy who killed some old lady.

(not sure what was it about teachers of literature in school, but i don't think i ever read anything that i was told to read back then. the only literature classes that i enjoyed (and read everything assigned) were the ones in university, with the teacher whom i first hated and then befriended... he was the one who could talk about the book in such a way that made me want to read it too.)

so when i finally decided that i need to read Brothers Karamazov i felt reluctant because my reasons for reading weren't the ones i usually have. i didn't want to read this book to enjoy it. i wanted to read it just to be able to say that i've read it and that i don't like it.

i was surprised when 40 pages into it i realized that not everything is so bad about it.

things i like so far:

there are a lot of spiritual discussions about different questions, as well as those that have bothered me personally. i expect there would be many more.

i like some of the quotes from it already. for example, "The more I love humanity in general, the less I love man in particular"...

things i don't like so far:

i hate the way Dostoevsky describes people. he makes all the characters in the book feel... dirty or like they all have their own hidden agenda and there's nothing good about them. i guess in English his descriptions would not convey the same disdain because technically they aren't bad - they are just... not serious. i am not sure how to describe it. but i do not like the fact that there are no likable characters.

he likes long words and even longer sentences. they are good, but it's so easy to get lost in the description and not get the meaning of the sentence. which renders the whole idea quite useless if you think about it.

but, so far it has been good and i will continue reading. therefore, more updates to come.

everyone around talks about the A/H1N1 pandemic that broke out in Ukraine. being an observer, it was interesting to watch people's reactions to the news. some panicked, some decided that it isn't worth the panic, some thought it's a conspiracy theory against election meetings, some...

with schools and universities closed down for three weeks, there were considerably less people in the public transportation today and i had an opportunity to actually watch people instead of just minding where i step since one inch right or left and i would step on someone, like it usually happens.

i couldn't help but notice people in masks. Ukrainian government is not really smart in this area (as well as in many other) and therefore there were not enough masks manufactured in preparation for a possible pandemic. as a result, those people who were lucky, got normal facial masks. others made the masks out of gauze. still others used scarves and turtleneck sweatshirts for protection. i belonged to the fourth group - those without the masks.

as i walked down the metro the story of Gideon popped into my mind... the way he was choosing (or the way God was choosing) the soldiers for the army.

God said to Gideon: "There are still too many. Take them down to the stream and I'll make a final cut. When I say, 'This one goes with you,' he'll go. When I say, 'This one doesn't go,' he won't go." So Gideon took the troops down to the stream.
God said to Gideon: "Everyone who laps with his tongue, the way a dog laps, set on one side. And everyone who kneels to drink, drinking with his face to the water, set to the other side." Three hundred lapped with their tongues from their cupped hands. All the rest knelt to drink.

Judges 7:4-6, the Messagewas i like the ones who kneeling to drink, without thinking about the danger? was it reckless to not wear a mask? "maybe i should get myself one..." i thought to myself, but still the idea seemed silly to me.

with those thoughts in mind, i came to work and we had staff meeting. our boss whom i respect started talking about the flu and preventive measures. "masks don't do nada. if they do anything, they help the bacteria circulate inside the mask instead of letting it out and as a result make the situation even worse and risk of contamination a lot higher. the virus is so small that it will get through the mask anyway."

the virus is so small...

that triggered another set of musings... it felt odd to walk on the street and see people in masks. a bit surreal even. the day seemed to be just like another day. sun rose, i rose as well... showering, dressing, leaving home... everything just like on any other day, yet different.

something changed. something was in the air. literally.

it makes me grin wryly that people can easily believe that a minuscule virus can wreck havoc in a human body and make it die... but at the same time don't see what God is doing in their lives.

read a joke recently... "people's faith is weird. you tell them there are 4 billion stars out there and they believe you. you tell them that the bench is painted and they have to go and check it out."

why is it easier to believe in a virus and not in God? just because you can see the virus?

so what? most people have no idea what virus looks like. they have never seen any cells. yet, they believe it.

God? oh no... believing that God is real is so tough. it's easier to believe that the Universe just decided to be.

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd. By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see.

Hebrews 11:1-3, the Message

...what we see created by what we don't see.

and you know? there actually is no A/H1N1 virus in Kyiv yet. it is in Western Ukraine. not over here. yet people are still wearing masks... believing that will help them. placebo...

but i guess wearing a mask is easier than taking up your cross and following Him.